Mommy Givens

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There are many things, as mothers, that end up being standard, expected. We may not know that these things will inevitably occur going in–during that magical phase when bellies expand, as well as ankles, bottoms, and chests. We hold ideals about motherhood, all based on precious baby smiles, adorable stuffed elephants, and the smell of itty bitty infant clothing.

At some point, though, veteran mothers meet burgeoning mothers, and though we may share with these expectant mothers a few of the mommy givens, mostly we just smile. Because, every mother will go through these givens, at their own pace, in their own time. That’s why they’re given.

They’re going to happen.

What’s the point of stating the fact to a new mom, still holding glittering stars in her eyes? She’ll find out soon enough. It’s the magic of life!

But, after any given mommy moment happens, we move past the situation, laughing.

That’s just what mothers do.

MOMMY GIVENS

– The house will be clean again. It will. When the children move out.

– Hair is overrated.

– Yes, there will always be a questionable stain on your shirt.

– The one night you really need sleep, the stomach flu will strike at 2 AM.

– Pee, vomit, or nosebleed will cover an entire bed (sheets, comforter, blankets, and pillows) between the hours of midnight and 2 PM. Sometimes, that bed will be yours.

– After you spend the entire night with a sick child, someone will have the audacity to tell you how horrible you look. Usually a co-worker, and they will look completely refreshed. No, … you can’t kill them.

– Unsolicited parenting advice is never given when your children are being perfect angels.

– You will remove your screaming child from a park area, and you will feel like a child abductor. Other parents will stare.

– Your child will have explosive diarrhea when there is not a change of clothing, or any form of wipe, available.

– By the time you finish the daily struggle of getting a child dressed, you will have exactly 5 minutes to get where you’re headed.

– Clothing is overrated.

– Any celebrity mom that somewhat resembles your life, but has better hair, better makeup, a better body, and a perfectly groomed child moves to the top of an ever growing Shit List. Sandra Bullock’s perfect butt is #1.

– When your hands are completely full, your child will demand to be held, and then release a torrent of crocodile tears.

– You might promise to never envy other moms, but the one day you’re tired, frazzled, and fraying at the seams, those “other” moms will do something so incredibly perfect, you wish them a thousand deaths.

– More often than you think, you are that other mom.

– Moms of boys will leave their child alone for two minutes, and come back to find him completely naked, for no reason.

– Legos will become a household toy, and where you may live your entire life never stepping on a Lego, you will spend at least two years of your child’s life building Legos.

– ‘Legos’ can also mean dressing Barbie dolls, putting together Transformers, fixing broken pieces, or dealing with the favorite toy that pops until a million pieces every five seconds. Every. Five. Seconds.

– No matter how many times you say, “Crayons are for paper, only,” there will be a masterpiece on the wall, should you choose to go to the bathroom, get a glass of water, or blink.

– Some days you will feel like a drill sergeant, only capable of barking orders.

– Makeup is overrated.

– Teething and potty training are traumatic–for child and mother alike.

– There will be days that your child just doesn’t eat.

– There will be days when your child doesn’t stop eating.

– Sometimes you will sneak into your child’s room, trying to be as silent as humanly possible, and you will step or trip on a toy that makes an insane amount of noise, while you (unfortunately) make a fair amount of noise yourself. The baby won’t wake up, but you will wish that toy a thousand deaths.

– You will hold out your hand, without thinking, and you will be handed a booger.

– Sometimes that booger will be poo.

– Your child will hurt himself, or herself, in a private area, and expect you to “kiss it.” Yes, it will be awkward. No, you should not kiss it. Candy and cookies were meant for those occasions.

– Your child will poke, prod, lick, bite, smack, scratch, and gouge you … sometimes all in the same five minutes.

– After watching an ab-crunching commercial, you will be inspired to work out on the floor. Your children will also be inspired to sit on you the entire time.

This list is by no means complete! Have a Mommy Given you’d like to share? Leave a comment!

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2 comments posted on November 24, 2013 in Parenting, Winging It, Mom Style
  • jrobeson says:

    Thank you! I laughed writing it!

  • Eileen says:

    This is so true! I was laughing the entire time I read this!

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