‘Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even a … eh, who’m I kidding? Nothing is stirring in my house this Christmas, except a couple of bickering puppy dogs. For the second time, ever, Tiny will not be home for Christmas. He’s spending the holiday with his dad, and I’m spending the holiday planning the moment he comes home.
I’m already mourning the idea of an empty Christmas morning. There isn’t a need to place out milk and cookies. I won’t be excited to wake up and see my son react to the surprise of the season. My child won’t unwrap Santa’s presents until days after the fact, and I won’t be there to see the wonder of Santa in his eyes.
If you can’t tell, I’ve been wallowing in self-pity for days now.
The difficulty of missing my child got me thinking about all the other divorced parents who are spending the holiday without their tiny humans. What are they thinking? How are they feeling? What would I say in camaraderie, if I could?
Well, I could start off by saying that I, for one, am a happily divorced momma, and I don’t say that lightly. When I got married, I thought it would be for life.
So, … that didn’t happen.
Divorce was never an inkling in my head. Therefore, the decision to divorce was one of the hardest moments of my life. As soon as it happened, though, I learned a few things. I learned how to smile again. I learned how to laugh. I learned that I’m a pretty freaking amazing person when I don’t have someone mentally beating me down.
I learned how to be me.
So, while divorce was one of the best things to happen for me, it’s still hard. There are aspects that never get easier–aside from the occasional bicker-fest that arises from having to continuously interact with my ex-husband. In the past four years of being divorced, I’ve found these parts of divorced mom life to be the hardest. They are the biggest reasons why divorce will never get any easier.
The Christmas Blues
This is the hardest holiday to miss. Though presents are wrapped, and the tree is set up, my Christmas morning won’t happen until Tiny Tot comes home. Luckily, the way life panned out, I’ve had all but two of the six Christmases in Tiny’s short life. Does this knowledge make it easier?
Christmas is my favorite holiday. Christmas holds a lot of meaning for me. There’s a magical feeling about this season, and it makes me want to share it with my family. Tiny is the most integral part of my family, so I want to be with Tiny during the Christmas season, and I don’t get that. For an entire week during December, I get to miss my baby boy. So, for the last week, I’ve been stuffing in tears, … and will continue to do so until he comes home.
Birthday Party Funk
The day I gave birth to my child was a momentous occasion. Celebrating that day, every year, should be my God-given right, as his mother. It means a lot to me to plan a party, have family come over, and celebrate the birth of my amazing little boy. Once the party is over, and people go home, I get to snuggle my beautiful, green-eyed boy, and tell him how much he means to me.
However, his birthday doesn’t always happen on “my” days. I don’t always get to throw his birthday on the day of his birth.
Yes, when it comes to my child, I am completely selfish.
What’s more, I know that about myself.
The sad fact of the matter is this: I will not always get to see my son on the day that celebrates the moment that I pushed a tiny human out of my body.
Does anyone know that Easter falls on the same weekend every year? Does the court system know that Easter falls on the same weekend every year? Do they realize that Easter is an important holiday? Not only is there a bunny, but there is also the resurrection of Christ. I should get to celebrate both events with my son at some point.
Doesn’t the court system know that?
Every other holiday, including the fake holiday of Spring Break, is accounted for in the custody papers. But Easter?
The Texas court system didn’t even think to account for it, and had I realized that, I would have had it placed in the papers. Therefore, after not having my tiny human for three Easters in a row, I called Tiny’s dad and told him that we would be alternating Easter, just like everything else.
Because I want Easter.
Thanksgiving is a time to celebrate family and togetherness. My most important family is Tiny Tot. Every other Thanksgiving, though I am with my immediate family, I miss my most important person. Though I’m thankful for my tiny creation, I’m not thankful that I have to share him during the holidays.
Nope, not thankful for that, at all.
Not so Fun Weekends
I’m not the “fun” mom. I’m a working mom. I’m a mom who has to plan household chores, laundry, and broken appliances around work, sporting events, park days, and holidays. There are not many weekends that I get to plan a trip to the zoo, … and there’s not extra money floating around after I pay household bills, medical bills, broken appliance bills, and daycare. So I don’t get to do the “fun” things with my son very often. And the weekends that I do have a free moment in which to finally plan a trip to Moody Gardens, the water park, the beach, or the zoo, Tiny is usually with his dad.
So, there’s that.
Luckily, Tiny’s dad always has extra money for fun. Every weekend they have is filled with fun, which–I guess–makes up for his lack of a “fun” mother.
The Loneliest Month of Summer
The only time I ever knew what summer was when I was a child. Now I’m an old mom. I don’t get summer, I don’t get summer breaks. I rarely get vacation–mostly because I rarely ask for vacation.
I’m an adult.
I’m a single mom.
I get to work during summer.
But, for one entire month during the summer, I also get to miss my child. When the missing gets incredibly bad, like if there’s a weekend, or a lull in work, I also get these grandiose ideas in my head for home repairs. Fixing things around the home takes hours out of my day, and helps keep my mind busy.
… It’s also how I accumulated all the awesome medical bills.
Even though it’s hard to miss my child so much, I know I’m not the only divorced parent doing so this Christmas. There are moms and dads standing in my shoes, right now, feeling the same pain this season. We’re all in this missing game together. We understand each other, knowing how difficult it is to share a child between homes.
But soon, very soon, Tiny will be home, and I won’t have to miss him anymore.
… At least for another week.